Keep
in mind that I am on a pilgrimage here and entering higher education was part
of my journey. I entered university studies not knowing many answers to my own doubts.
I had seen struggles of church people, their questions about life and death,
instances when finances crashed, when health betrayed them. My hope was that
the teachers I met could furnish wise Biblical answers. If they could, the
three jobs I had to work to pay for school might be worth all. I did feel God’s
love towards me and that maybe I could find ways to share Jesus was real.
Along
with my studies, I immersed myself in church activity, trying to win some. As one of my three jobs, I even tried leading
a small mission church that was an extension of a larger church body. It was definitely a growth time to see people
in their poorest but sincere Christian walk. But besides that, I still noticed
no matter where you attended established church, people turned the intimacy of
God’s unconditional love into discussions of ethics, moral behavior, or
intellectual pursuits of what the bible may be saying. Don’t get me wrong. I
saw sympathetic efforts. But to me, we need God’s compassion that embraces, not
sympathy which cares from a distance. Like today, not too many Christians want
the vitality of God’s approach to honesty and change. Change always involves
risk and risk-taking does not go well with established, institutional religion.
Doggedly,
I finished a bachelor’s degree and the pressure was on as what was next. By
now, I had a wife and two children, and I left the college setting with no
clear answers, only more sophisticated questions. I went to work for a
newspaper that catered to the Christian public. The job paid well, and I
thought I might learn more. All the while, however, I felt the underneath pain
of dishonesty and failure. This lasted awhile until one day, I was in Dallas,
Texas working when President John Kennedy was assassinated. When I saw a whole
city like Dallas grind to a halt, I had to stop and evaluate my personal life. The
event showed me there is a much larger world out there.
From
out of nowhere [except heaven] came a call to pastor a small country church and
move closer to my extended family. I thought if I could lead a group of people
in an honest, redemptive manner, I would obtain all the answers I needed. I stayed
deep in professional church work for five years, had two more children and
grappled every Sunday with my own dilemmas. Every week was like striving to
claw my way out of a hole because I did not feel I was discovering true
honesty. I prayed, fasted, gave money. Life still became a ritual in my job. [more to follow]
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